Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
You Might Also Like
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
be careful
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
when the buffet is more honest than your date
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —