DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
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My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Room with a view.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Pretty much. 🤣
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one