Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
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You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.