If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
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Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
@ candidates for local office
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.