I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
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After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.