My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
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I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Monday?
No. Next question.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s