first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
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Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over