the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
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If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.