I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
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My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up