Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
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It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute