[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
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I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
So glad we cleared that up
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent