Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
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I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.