my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
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Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
This is the coolest video you will see today.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise