I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
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Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
That eye roll….
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ