Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
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So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
*seductively corrects your posture*
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool