SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
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therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic