Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
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I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Ghost costume 😂
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
sounds kinky. i’m in.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?