The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
You Might Also Like
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol