Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
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What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.