[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
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Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
<- sleeps well with others
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.