You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
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I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.