Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
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Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.