Just ordered me some pizza!
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“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money