Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
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@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime