Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
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GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.