It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
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Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
i love meeting boys on tinder
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats