My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
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*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters