I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
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I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.