worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
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Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!