[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
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College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
cats when you pet them too long:
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴