[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
You Might Also Like
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms