*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
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My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.