*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
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SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair