Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
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SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.