The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
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horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything