*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
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IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Tremendous stuff
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
😍😂🥰😂😍
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
I have a black belt in leather
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free