3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
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I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Education is vital
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”