It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
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Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.