5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
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God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
happy mother’s day❤️
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.