Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
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Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
new wife guy just dropped
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other