non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
You Might Also Like
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.