I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
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“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Worst Native American name ever.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.