INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
You Might Also Like
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
The internet is full of many things
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck