Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
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Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.