People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
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My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
wtf is a larm clock?
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE