Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
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Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.