FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
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The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
I’m giving up for Lent.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.