I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
You Might Also Like
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.