Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
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him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”