if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
You Might Also Like
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie